"Thank you all so much for your prayers and support. As I go back to school tomorrow, starting a new "first," ima need everybody's love and support. Please don't avoid me or my suffering. Ima need all the hugs I can get tomorrow..."
Three weeks after my father died unexpectedly, I tweeted those words with honest expectation that it would make a difference. I grabbed my backpack, and picked up one foot after another as I begrudgingly got on the bus. Unfortunately, this was just the start of a long journey of grief.
Because my dad had died two days prior to Christmas Break, nobody noticed that I was gone all this time. Nobody truly knew that my life was shattered... and those who did were too afraid to say something. I'm not sure what I was expecting, maybe more than receiving one lonely hug from an ex-girlfriend... you may cringe with me.
Other than that, nobody said anything.
My friends remained silent.
My teachers treated me the same.
My mentors didn't ask to meet with me.
Life went on for everyone else while I was trapped in my suffering.
I was now experiencing the funeral after the funeral... and I was aching to be heard.
This is a common theme amongst many kids who are grieving. Each child is unique in how they respond to loss, but I think one central theme remains true: all kids are aching to be heard—aching to be seen. Sometimes this aching comes out in different ways:
Lying when usually honest.
Bullying when usually unifying.
Silent when usually vocal.
Vocal when usually silent.
Lack of appetite when usually hungry.
Hungry when usually lacking appetite.
Angry when usually at peace.
Peaceful when usually angry.
The changes may be subtle or overwhelming, but one thing must be understood: each child desperately misses that which they loss.
Since losing my daddy, I have had the privilege of walking along side many, many children and teenagers who have lost loved ones. Anywhere from losing parents, to best-friends, to siblings, God has used my story of tragedy to help bring triumph to their lives. One question I receive from parents while journeying with their kids is this: What can we do to help our child feel peace? We don't even know where to start...
Because of this honest question, I have prepared a guide for parents who are desperately trying to connect with their grieving child.
1) Listen
Remember, your child inside is aching to be heard. They aren't shutting out their grief—they are simply grieving in a different way than you may be (more on this in step #3). If you are trying to reach them the way that you want to be reached, you will never have success.
Your child's brain isn't as developed as yours is, so the way they process grief is going to be very different from you. Plus, their experience was different. Even if you both lost the same loved one, their relationship with that individual is different than yours was. This is why it is essential for all parents to listen to the beating heart of their grieving child.
I don't mean this literally... please don't put your ear to your child's heart under the excuse that "Jordan told me to." That will freak them out even more...
I simply mean that when your child starts to share—either with words or through a change in their actions—choose to listen to them. Yes, this requires you, as the parent, to be silent and encouraging. This also requires an insane amount of patience. I recognize that you want to help them and even fix their broken heart. But you can't... only God can. And grief is a journey that will be with us for the rest of our lives. The small, or lack of steps that you see your child taking is actually a mountain that God is moving in their lives.
When they do choose to open up, either through their words or their change in behavior... listen to their aching heart without trying to provide advice. Yes, I understand how difficult that last part is. But children need a platform to grieve without feeling like they need the right words or the right feelings. Children and teens look at the world very differently than adults do. Some weeks you may hear their broken heart constantly... and sometimes you will go weeks—even months—without hearing its broken beat. Don't give up, and always be ready to listen.
2) Encourage
I believe more than anything, children need someone who will believe in them and encourage them. This is why I think Jesus called teenagers and young adults to be his Twelve Disciples (source here). Jesus spent 3 years pouring into the lives of young men and women, encouraging them with the truth that there would be suffering, but they would not suffer alone.
Encouragement is one of the most underrated things in our society. A simple text, email, phone call, or note card with a few words of encouragement can go a long, long way. When individuals are grieving—especially children—they need reinforcement to know that they are doing just fine and that you are proud of them. Especially if their loved one who died was a big encourager in their life, they not only lost their loved one, but they also lost the encouragement that came with their loved one. Seek to connect with your child by encouraging them with the truth that they are not alone, and they can do this.
3) Understand that your child isn't necessarily grieving "Wrong," they are grieving "Differently"
This is probably the most important and the most difficult thing for parents to understand. Your child's brain is underdeveloped compared to yours. On top of this, they are still trying to figure out who they are, how they are wired, and how to cope with the new normal that has been thrown at them. Just because they aren't grieving like you are, doesn't mean something is wrong with them.
Don't get me wrong, there are definitely signs to be looking out for in regards to unhealthy grief (depression, vocalizing thoughts of suicide, loss of appetite, self-harm, etc...). But your child is aching to be heard in the way that they need to be heard. They are aching to grieve in the way they grieve. They need their parents to support them through grace, patience, and love above all else. If you do notice your child's behavior changing drastically, or that they are vocalizing thoughts of suicide, then I would contact medical professionals.
I say all of this humbly knowing that it is not as simplistic of an issue as these above sentences make it appear to be. Please hear my heart on this: your child will grow up without whoever died. That is a difficult concept for them to grasp at a young age—or honestly at any age. They are still trying to figure out how to wake up every day without their loved one. Don't pressure them to grieve the correct way. Simply be present for them, listen to them, encourage them, and guide them towards a hope that only God can provide.
4) Give Yourself A Pat On The Back
You are a rockstar parent.
Let me repeat that for the ones in the back... YOU ARE A ROCKSTAR PARENT! Give yourself a pat on the back and hold on to this truth: God can handle your child's life with or without you. As aggressive as that sounds, I don't mean it to be. I simply mean that God is in control of your child's future. Even if you have a "bad day" as a parent, God can clean it up. I witnessed my mama raise four teenagers by herself. I'd like to think we turned out semi-okay. Even though she was alone without my daddy, God was in control every step of the way.
So give yourself a pat on the back. You're doing great. In fact, you're doing awesome. Keep listening, encouraging, and staying present in your child's life.
And God will do the rest.
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